Rewriting the Stories We Tell Ourselves w/ LeRae Kuperus & Maranda Johnson

In this episode of Wedgwood’s Coffee Break Conversation, host Hillary sits down with LeRae Kuperus, Director of Spiritual Formation, and Maranda Johnson, Aftercare Supervisor, to explore how kids and adults can begin the hard but healing work of unlearning false beliefs about themselves.

Together, they discuss how safe environments, consistent relationships, and faith-filled guidance help replace harmful narratives with truth, confidence, and belonging. This encouraging conversation offers wisdom and hope for anyone seeking healing, growth, and a renewed sense of identity.

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Transcript

Hillary: 0:00

Hey, it's Hillary. Join me for a helpful and hopeful chat about mental health in our community. So grab a cup of coffee or tea. This is Wedgwood's Coffee Break conversation. Today's Coffee Break is going to be a good one. Pastor loreka Paris is back, and Miranda Johnson is joining us today too. Thank you both so much for taking the time, and I'll let you both Introduce yourselves a little bit.

LeRae: 0:23

Hi. My name is larae, and I'm director of spiritual formation. I've been working at Wedgwood for about 27 years. Wow,

Hillary: 0:30

wow, amazing.

Unknown: 0:33

My name is Miranda Johnson, and I'm the aftercare supervisor, and I've been at Wedgwood for about seven years now. In September, wonderful.

Hillary: 0:40

Yeah. Thank you both so much for being here. You're welcome. All right, so something we care super deeply about here at Wedgwood is helping people become who they were created to be, from our counseling services to our prevention programs to residential treatment and even into professional development for staff and community partnerships, we want people to know that they are capable and worthy, but oftentimes, becoming who you are created to be involves unlearning something we've had been told or incorrectly believed about ourselves. So how do you see this in your work? And what are some of the myths, lies and beliefs you see people holding on to?

Unknown: 1:17

What a great question. So some of the myths that a lot of our clients struggle with are believing that they're unlovable or that no one is going to be there to help them. They're fully on their own. Sometimes we see kids believe that there's something inherently wrong with them and that no matter what they do, they're still going to continue to do the same things.

LeRae: 1:44

I see some of that in our staff who are coming here, especially, and this is perhaps maybe their first profession, and so they might we see a lot of imposter syndrome, where people just feel that what they are doing isn't completely comfortable for them, and so they're living out somebody else's life. And so to kind of help them understand that part of beginning a new job means that things will feel a little uncomfortable, and then it's okay at Wedgwood to, in some ways, try things on and to discover your gifts. So we see that quite a bit, but you can also see things like perfectionism in people who just are defined by always succeeding and always needing to achieve. So sometimes we might see staff who struggle to set up boundaries because they want to say yes to everything, and they maybe work out of a narrative where by saying yes, people treated them nicer, and so that's the only thing they know how to do. So why do

Hillary: 2:46

you think unlearning a belief or behavior is so much harder than learning something new or accepting a truth?

Unknown: 2:54

So it has to do with neural pathways for one so when we learn something new, our brains develop a certain pathway, and that becomes our truth. And when we have clients come to Wedgwood, we kind of present a new narrative or a new pathway for them. And the biggest piece is that on learning that I always use the analogy of like ditches. So for a neural pathway, you're creating a ditch, right? So when you create a new path, you're creating a new ditch, and you have to fill that previous ditch and then create the next one. And our kids, they're so comfortable, they're so familiar with that path. So being able to present new information and show them a different way to do things is challenging, but it's possible.

Hillary: 3:43

That's a great analogy, because that's excellent. It's work to fill it back in, but it's also work to dig the new one too.

Unknown: 3:49

Absolutely, yeah, yeah.

LeRae: 3:51

It really takes a lot more time to unlearn a behavior, right? And as adults, we have something called cognitive bias. We are attracted to what we believe, and so to hear something different, we're at first going to resist it, and we're not going to think that it's true. So that's going to take some work in and of itself. But habits are hard to break, especially bad habits. So all of us have that. We have a training here at Wedgwood's called the sanctuary training, and in one of the specific modules, we talk about that. And so we have all of our our staff who are taking the training. We say, cross your arms, how you normally do. And so they cross their arms, and then we tell them to uncross them. Now, cross them with the other arm on top, and we have them do that. And then we challenge them, hey, try to do that for a day and see how uncomfortable that'll be. So learning something new and unlearning something is also going to be uncomfortable, and we don't like to be uncomfortable, right, right? Nobody enjoys that very much.

Hillary: 4:54

Yeah, yeah, even just like trying to picture crossing my arms the other way, like it takes so much extra effort. Mm, hmm, to do it something different. Yep, exactly. So what might be some signs that someone is still living out of an old story or identity myth or lie that they've believed

Unknown: 5:12

a lot of times? There's a lot of dysregulation or just an inability to believe that anything is going to get better, just hopelessness. And we see kids specifically, just struggle with believing that the change can happen, or that something different is going to happen in their life, that they're going to find a home, that they're going to have the love and support that they deserve. And when they believe that lie it shows up in sabotaging behaviors. It shows up in like, internal repression. They start to self harm because they believe that no one cares for them, and so why should they care for themselves? So yeah,

LeRae: 6:00

I see a lot of kids who like literally hide their bodies, right? So we will see kids who wear hoods that will cover their entire face or even use their hair to hide themselves, and that's because they don't want to show who they really are. It might be physical, but it's often at that heart level, because they don't feel valued. They don't feel like that, they're worth being seen. For some of them, though, it might be that by being small meant that someone didn't hurt them, or that they didn't get in trouble, and so it might have also though been something that protected them and so to teach them, hey, you're in a different environment. You can take that mask off. You don't need to hide again. That's going to be a behavior to unlearn, and it's going to take a lot of time,

Hillary: 6:50

and it can feel really vulnerable, terribly vulnerable. Yeah, yeah. Can you talk about what might keep someone tied to an old belief, even if they know it's not true anymore,

Unknown: 7:02

familiarity, oh yeah, the number one thing that we're familiar with, whether it's harmful or helpful, we're gonna stick to and so a lot of times, our kiddos need evidence to support that the unfamiliar is actually the safer option. And over time, staff and workers and the people in their life and the community can provide that for them, and then that becomes the new option that they pick. But whatever is familiar is what we gravitate towards.

Hillary: 7:33

What sort of evidence do kids need to believe that this new option is a viable one?

Unknown: 7:39

Yeah, consistency a role model, so someone who understands and maybe has gone through the same things they have, and has come out on the other side and can provide skills and support knowing that that could be their future as well.

LeRae: 7:56

I see that often in the way our kids connect to people who have similar stories, and so we often will bring in, perhaps somebody who has a similar narrative, but they are on the other side of that narrative. They no longer believe that that narrative defines them, but yet, as they are sharing their story with our kiddos, our kiddos hear all these intersections of ways that they relate and so that to hear though, that oh, this person broke this cycle or this narrative is no longer holding them back, they can have some hope that that perhaps can happen to them too.

Hillary: 8:37

I'm thinking about like little kids who like learn by having someone show them an example of how to do, you know, a certain craft or whatever, and how this is kind of the same thing to watch someone else go through and come out. The other side of a challenge is like, oh, I can do that too. It's like learning by example and believing like, Oh, if they can do I can do it too.

LeRae: 9:01

Sometimes I think they even see it in the other clients that they might that might be part of their homes, so another client might be maybe a little bit further along in their treatment, or even the example that you just gave, we want our clients to learn hobbies, because we believe that even that might help them break a cycle, to fill in something positively, to learn that they're good at something, yeah, and so some of that is modeled even in other clients.

Hillary: 9:29

Yeah, that's a good reminder. So if you've been told a bunch of lies that you're not good enough, being able to accomplish something and do something well is a good way to kind of counterbalance that.

LeRae: 9:41

That is why we point out the smallest success we possibly see in them. And sometimes, man, they are small. But one, they haven't heard it very much. And two, we hope that that will encourage them to develop some self confidence. So that they'll take on perhaps some bigger, bigger projects that could have success.

Hillary: 10:06

I love that. What does it look like to walk with someone through the process of unlearning harmful messages about themselves? How does chaplaincy, the chaplaincy team, help young people and staff reconnect with a truer sense of who they were created to be, and what role does aftercare play in continuing that healing work beyond residential care,

LeRae: 10:27

you want me to go first? Yeah, our number one is to create a safe environment. No one is going to begin to do that hard work unless they know that they are in a safe place, yeah. And so I think that first comes with us, that we're safe people. And so it anything that comes out of our mouths, really, at the beginning, knowing their name, the tone of our voice, the words that we use, I even think through vocabulary, not to use words that they're unfamiliar with, because it makes them feel it makes them feel small. And so why would we want to do that? So one is to just to kind of set a safe environment for them initially. The other is to kind of, I mean, and this gets into more what we do at loved but share stories where people who perhaps were marginalized in the Bible were then taken care of by Jesus and recognized, where they were welcomed into a place of belonging and into a safe place. And so hearing story where people can feel safe and be valued and know that they're important in God's

Hillary: 11:44

eyes. I love that.

Unknown: 11:46

Yeah, and with aftercare, so I didn't really explain what aftercare is, so I'll do that as well. But we follow the kids after they leave residential for up to 12 months. So basically, while they're here in treatment, they're collecting tools in a toolbox, all of the coping skills, learning how to set boundaries, the strategies to survive, and breaking some of the old patterns. And when they go back to the community, this is their opportunity to use those tools and actually see how it works in the real world. And so in aftercare, we become that one person that is in the home with them, with the family, reminding them of all of the tools that they've learned and how to use them on a day to day basis, whether that's at school, whether that's in the home, in the community. And there's going to be moments of backtrack, and there's going to be moments of doubt and fear, but being able to just partner alongside them, that's really how we continue to work towards unlearning those behaviors. It's all about consistency.

Hillary: 12:53

Yeah? So yeah, I was just gonna say that it's everything you guys have been talking about, is just consistent, showing up and helping people remember who they are.

Unknown: 13:03

Absolutely

LeRae: 13:04

we also try to find opportunities for them to simply participate, whether that is during loved running up and handing me a bucket of names in it, whether it's throwing out candy, whether it's standing at the door and blowing bubbles as clients are walking in, those are really, really small ways, but eventually, then kids might want to participate in bigger ways. They grow in their self confidence, they grow in their voice. They might want to share how they've learned. They might want to share that they have hope when they've never had hope before. Just maybe six weeks ago. We had that happened during a loved we had a client who asked a couple weeks beforehand if he could sing a song. And of course, we're always very nervous about that. I mean, not too nervous, but we have no clue if they can sing. And we also don't want somebody to get teased. We want to be habit, to continue to be a safe environment. Yeah, but he wanted to sing to or he wanted to sing to a tape, which helped. And so he came, did great during the song, and then he asked if he could speak to the group, and he shared with them how he had run away from God's love for a really, really long time, and why he had done that, and he finally decided to stop running away from God's love, and he just kind of ended it there. He said it is possible to stop, and when you stop, good things can happen. That was really what his message was. Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Hillary: 14:37

That's so cool. And I imagine when he first came to Wedgwood that was not a place. I mean, he that was not something he would have been like raring to do right at the beginning. So having a space where he can kind of build those internal resources and relearn that He has loved and then get to a place where he can share that with his peers is so cool. Yeah. I. So talking a little bit about loved how do we talk about God's truth, about someone's identity and worth without it sounding like a cliche or a quick fix, because I think to people, maybe especially outside of the faith, saying, Oh, God loves you when you've gone through all of this stuff can sound like, okay, that's not helpful, right now. But how do you guys go about incorporating God's love and healing power and value in people into your work in a way that is meaningful?

Unknown: 15:29

Yeah, well, I was actually talking to larae about this before, but one of the biggest things is modeling wholeness and showing that God's love in our own personal lives and how it works, and being able to partner alongside the clients through that as well, but without it sounding cliche, I mean, identity is everything. We find our identity if we don't believe in God in something else, and so being able to have those hard conversations of, where do you think you come from, where do you think your worth is from? And giving the kids an opportunity to have those hard conversations can eventually lead to life giving information and being able to pour back into them, I think, especially when they have all of these beliefs that are untrue about themselves, being able to show that not only do I believe this about you, but God's word says this about you as well, and trying to make it more about a personal relationship and a personal relationship with God,

LeRae: 16:40

I think we do it by using scripture wisely and thinking through how someone would hear it, who might not be familiar with it. And so for there are a lot of phrases in the Bible that are about identity. One being something like you, you're you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Imagine hearing that for the first time and thinking through what that means. It does sound like a cliche, yeah. And so to unpack that into something that has meaning, when God made you, he, he took great care in that he, he did it with He created you with dignity. Dignity is actually not a word our clients always used with respect. He instilled beauty and who you are. He instilled in you purpose when he looks at you, he beams. He's thrilled that you exist and that you are part of His creation.

Hillary: 17:50

And I think something that the staff here at Wedgwood's do really well is talking about, you know, our faith and how much God loves each and every one of us, but it's always followed up with action. It's never and I think that helps with the cliche thing. It's one thing to just say it and carry on, but to really live it out like you talked about, I think really helps drive it home for anyone, especially the kids here, which is which is so cool to see. You know, we talk the talk and walk

LeRae: 18:23

the walk. Yeah, means showing up that consistency that Miranda talked about, knowing them, wanting to know them more. That's really key. You begin by learning their name. You begin by picking up on things that they say as they're talking, and then when you see them again, using using that, I remember you is the message that we're giving them then.

Hillary: 18:50

So I guess going off of this a little bit is, are there other particular practices or routines or conversations we can use to help name and replace false beliefs with truth, either for ourselves or for with kids here at Wedgwood's, other people in our lives.

Unknown: 19:07

I mean, one of the biggest things is recognizing how your thoughts impact how you feel and your actions, even going outside of cognitive behavioral therapy and just scripture, taking each thought captive that can change the course of your day to day. If a negative thought arises, you can not only take that but replace it with something positive. But as time goes on, you can reduce the amount of negative thoughts that are coming. And one of the visualizations I always use with my kiddos is imagine that thought is a piece of paper, and you have the ability to crumble it up and throw it in a waste basket if you don't like it, you don't have to sit with it. You don't have to have it impact the rest of your day. It can be thrown away, and you can move on. And over time, you'll know. Notice that those thoughts are easier and easier to throw away and to not just sit and dwell on. And then the other thing is the pause. So we all have intrusive thoughts. It's just part of being on Earth in a broken and fallen world, and being able to explain that when that thought comes, you don't have to just do whatever it's saying. You don't have to believe whatever it's saying. You can pause and ask yourself, Where did that thought come from? Who believes that about me? Do I believe that about myself? And if the answer is no, or it didn't come from anything positive in your life, then you can just disregard it and learning that it takes a long time, yeah, but over time, as you develop that habit, like I said, it does get easier, and you'll notice that you'll start to have more positive thoughts throughout the day, and you'll start to be able to catch it sooner and not let it affect you.

Hillary: 20:58

That's so cool. I love, I love both of those analogies. It's so great.

LeRae: 21:03

I think celebrating those successes as well, we remember what is good. And so if we celebrate that, when we do see progress in ourselves, we'll continue to pursue that, to want more and more of that. And I also so this isn't, I don't want to be a naysayer, but I remind kids that we all live out some sort of lie. We really do. Sometimes we catch it in ourselves sooner, like we're taught, we've talked about but we're all going to be working on some sort of myth about ourselves, honestly, until the day we die, or until Jesus comes again, because we're born as image bearers of God and as true image bearers, as perfect image bearers. We're not going to have any of those lies or myths. We are going to be we're going to be reflected completely in the love of Christ. And so it's a part of a fallen world is also practicing Grace then and understanding, yeah, I'm going to be dealing with this, and that's okay,

Hillary: 22:10

yeah, it's important to not, I mean, because that would be telling yourself another lie is that I'm never going to get through this. I'm never going to get any better, but to give yourself some grace and, oh, this doesn't work out so great this time, but next time, we're going to do it better,

LeRae: 22:25

or the lie, I'm going to reach this point. I'm going to reach perfection, and I'm never going to struggle with this

Hillary: 22:33

again. Yeah, yeah. They didn't even think about like, flipping it to the other side that, yeah. Guys are so insightful. This is so I love this conversation. So what role does safe relationships or community play in helping people write rewrite their internal narrative? Why is it important to not do it alone?

Unknown: 22:55

Everything you cannot heal alone. The people around you not only help hold you accountable and mirror how you treat yourself, but also are able to validate and encourage and support you. And without at least one safe relationship, it's detrimental. Everyone needs at least one safe person in their life.

LeRae: 23:19

Yeah, I think it what as well. It lets us know that there's more than just our narratives. Yeah, so we get exposed to other individual narratives in a community. We also get exposed to a community narrative, and that has really helped me. We can get so caught up in ourselves, and we know Wedgwood's about recovery and healing and providing that, and we want that to happen, yet we want to connect people to communities so that they become part of a community narrative that there's more than just this one narrative that's defining them.

Hillary: 24:00

And when you've been stuck in like your own internal narrative, especially if it's a lot of untrue things, it's important to see other people's narratives so you can say, oh, their story is different. Maybe mine could be different. Exactly. I love that. Do you have a moment or a story where you witnessed it click for someone where they realized they were believing a lie about themselves, or maybe they started to believe something that was true, and what do you think changed for them after that shift?

Unknown: 24:31

So I actually have an example that happened just yesterday, so we haven't seen the shift side of it just yet, but just the clicking happen. So I have this client that has struggled with relapse many, many times and has ran away a few times, and in the last three to four weeks, they have been completely sober, and their shift is really happening just with how they view themselves and others. But anyways, we were sitting and we were kind of processing. Saying, like, Okay, what do you think is shifting? How do you feel overall, of compared to where you were a few weeks ago? And her example was, she, when she goes to Meijer, she still sees the alcohol aisle, and in her mind, is playing out. She wants to steal and she wants to be able to go experience that high again, but she pauses. And I always preach this over and over again, but that pause is life changing, because when they can pause and recognize that they have control over the next decision that's made, that's when real change happens. And she was able to say, but I didn't do it, and I just left and and then we process a little bit further, and she talked about how, you know, the lie, that she sometimes believes it would just be better if she wasn't here, and that no one around her cares, and she's sitting at a table full of people who love and care for her, and you could just see, like a Smile come over and she goes, but I know that's not true now, and so just those two things happening yesterday and her being able to just have that shift. Yeah, I'm so excited to see what these next couple months are gonna look like. So amazing. Yeah, thank

Hillary: 26:16

you for sharing that. That is absolutely that is an incredible story.

LeRae: 26:21

We had a client who was recently discharged, and I've been thinking a lot about her because she looked so physically different when she left than when she came and when she came. In fact, she did. She hid behind her hair. She always looked down and let her hair just fall over her face. She never smiled, and she didn't make any eye contact. She didn't participate. She hardly had a voice. By the time this client left, she just had such a beautiful smile on her face all the time. She beamed all the time. Eyes lit up, walking in confidence. I still, for me, remember kind of a shift. It was Christmas, and we gave them loved sweatshirts, and I was able to hand it to her, she opened it up, and she was just so happy and thrilled. She screamed, and she put it on right then, and it just seemed it wasn't because we gave it. There just was something in those few weeks that there was a shift in her recently, she shared a little bit in what she learned about loved and one thing that she shared was that God was not is not the author of her abuse or the bad things that happened to her. And I just think in her mind, she had this shift that she mattered and that healing is possible, because I think she actually saw it in herself and she she owned the change in her

Hillary: 27:58

that's so cool, and how both of your stories kind of feel like small things, but they're really big things, absolutely and so that the change doesn't need to be like an immediate, giant, life altering thing. It's a bunch of little things that build up to the one little thing that actually clicks for something which is so cool and also goes back to that consistency we've been talking about, you have to keep going. Yeah. Do you have any advice for our coffee break friends on how to reflect on or shift their own beliefs about themselves, or how they could best support the kids in their lives to believe in and become the person that they were created to be? Those are

Unknown: 28:40

definitely two separate questions. So the first one, personally journaling has been very life altering for me, being able to journal about experiences that I've had with people and then go back and see the growth that happens. It's lovely. I tell everyone to journal, and it also when you have prayers that you have with in the quiet space with God, and then you're able to go back and read in the journal, you can see all of the answered prayers as well. But on the flip side of that for journaling, we also have a lot of unconscious behaviors, and we don't really understand where they come from. We have, you know, complex trauma some of us from childhood, or we have these experiences that we've had, and they play out in our relationships into adulthood. And I think a lot of times as you journal and you see, oh, okay, this is what actually triggered this response. The next time I'm in this situation, I can choose a different response over time, that becomes easier as well. So yeah, journaling is definitely my go to and then to help kids in your life, I think meeting them where they're at, pointing out the positives, encouraging, having those hard conversations and. Um, with kiddos, and then also just, I don't know, a lot of times I think kids just need to be kids too, and not get too caught up into all of the bigger things. So focusing mostly on the positive and not giving much attention to the negative. Yeah, and letting kids be kids.

Hillary: 30:20

Yeah, that's so true. Especially feel like for kids here at Wedgwood who they're like, childhood has often been stolen, stolen from them just to give them the opportunity to be a kid. Yeah? So life giving too.

Unknown: 30:34

Like just going on a swing set and sitting and pretending like you're five years old again. It's life changing.

LeRae: 30:41

Yeah, I think I've learned a lot about my the lies and myths I've told myself by listening to wise people in my life and being open to hearing from them what they're experiencing in me. And so if you have somebody in your life that you really, really trust, and though it will hurt to hear the truth from them, being being vulnerable enough to ask them, What do you see in me? What do you think I'm holding on to that prevents me from moving forward? What maladaptive behaviors do you see in me that bother you or that affect our relationship? And what do you want from me that you think I'm not willing to move forward myself? That you can point out?

Hillary: 31:38

Yeah, it's like we said, you can't do it alone. You need people to help you, right? That's so cool. You guys, this was so great. Thank you for your work in helping people learn and grow and thrive, and for sharing your wisdom and your hearts with us

Unknown: 31:52

today. Yeah, thanks for having us. Thanks.

Hillary: 31:56

You can partner with Wedgwood's to help kids and families break free from the lies and live into the truth that they are loved and worthy every month by becoming a Wedgwood waymaker, learn more about monthly giving and being a waymaker on our website, wedgwood.org stay hopeful, stay helpful, and let's have another coffee break soon.